TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from location. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have An additional location where by American men can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer Absolutely everyone a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he need to halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the task, replied, "You recognize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the building's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined Trump Tower Damascus by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may also contain:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD might have switch-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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